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padding-top:15px; font:78%/1.6em "Trebuchet MS",Trebuchet,Verdana,Sans-serif; text-transform:uppercase; letter-spacing:.1em; } </style> <!-- --><style type="text/css">@import url(http://www.blogger.com/static/v1/v-css/navbar/697174003-classic.css); div.b-mobile {display:none;} </style> </head> <body><script type="text/javascript"> function setAttributeOnload(object, attribute, val) { if(window.addEventListener) { window.addEventListener("load", function(){ object[attribute] = val; }, false); } else { window.attachEvent('onload', function(){ object[attribute] = val; }); } } </script> <iframe src="http://www.blogger.com/navbar.g?targetBlogID=14800626&blogName=ryanconnercomedy&publishMode=PUBLISH_MODE_FTP&navbarType=SILVER&layoutType=CLASSIC&searchRoot=http%3A%2F%2Fblogsearch.google.com%2F&blogLocale=en_US&homepageUrl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.ryanconnercomedy.com%2F" marginwidth="0" marginheight="0" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" height="30px" width="100%" id="navbar-iframe" allowtransparency="true" title="Blogger Navigation and Search"></iframe> <div></div> <div id="header"> <h1 id="blog-title"> <a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html"> ryanconnercomedy </a> </h1> <p id="description">The blog of comedian Ryan Conner.</p> </div> <!-- Begin #content --> <div id="content"> <!-- Begin #main --> <div id="main"><div id="main2"> <div class='adsense' style='text-align:center; padding: 0px 3px 0.5em 3px;'> <script type="text/javascript"><!-- google_ad_client="pub-5943821654421592"; google_ad_host="pub-1556223355139109"; google_ad_host_channel="00000"; google_ad_width=180; google_ad_height=150; google_ad_format="180x150_as"; google_ad_type="text"; google_color_border="000000"; google_color_bg="000000"; google_color_link="AADD99"; google_color_url="AADD99"; google_color_text="777777"; //--></script> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/show_ads.js"> </script> </div> <h2 class="date-header">Thursday, September 03, 2009</h2> <!-- Begin .post --> <div class="post"><a name="2877030188984794626"></a> <h3 class="post-title"> 10 Guarantees </h3> <div class="post-body"> <div> <div style="clear:both;"></div><div>I have my fantasy football draft for the league with all my college friends this weekend. Fantasy football drafts are one of the most fun things a person can do with their life. One thing that is more fun is going to <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_0">Las</span> Vegas. I'm doing that next weekend. In honor of my next 12 days being fucking awesome, here are some predictions for each event.</div><div><br /></div>Fantasy Football Draft Draft Guarantees:<div>1. Someone will make a pick in the first two rounds that's so bad it will be a running joke for at least six months. Examples: Several years ago, someone drafted <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_1">TJ</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_2">Duckett</span> with the 11<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_3">th</span> overall pick. Everyone thought he was joking, until he said, "You don't know. <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_4">TJ</span> is gonna blow up this year. You'll see. 20 touchdowns, at least." <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_5">TJ</span> <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_6">Duckett</span> ended up with under 200 yards for the season. Another example: Last year, Jay Hastings picked Aaron Rogers with the 7<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_7">th</span> overall pick. Rogers hadn't yet started an NFL game. He could have drafted him in the 10<span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_8">th</span> round. This prompts jokes like, "Jay, you're up. You want <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_9">Rashan</span> Salaam? I think he's still available."</div><div>2. Someone will jokingly select <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_10">Rashan</span> Salaam, Curtis <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_11">Enis</span>, and Ryan Leaf. It will be funny every time someone makes a pick like this.</div><div>3. Someone will pick in the first three rounds a player who is injured or suspended for the first half of the season. After the pick is official and he's informed that his player won't be playing, he will pretend that he knew that and act as if it's part of his master plan. I guarantee that my friend John will draft Brandon Marshall. This is the same guy who asked last summer, "What ever happened to Sadam Hussein?" Not much of a news guy.</div><div>4. By the fifth round, we should know who this year's "You don't even know. Just wait and see." guy is. This is the person who picks people about four rounds early, swearing everyone on his team is due for a breakout year.</div><div>5. Someone will pick Matt <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_12">Leinert</span> in the last round, and everyone will say, "Great pick. Kurt Warner's elbow will be broken by Week 5."</div><div><div><br /></div><div><span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_13">Las</span> Vegas Guarantees:</div><div>1. Someone will have a "new betting strategy" for blackjack. This strategy of doubling their money when they lose a hand will drain half of their funds for the weekend in about 30 minutes. Favorite example of this: At my friend Glen's bachelor party, our friend <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_14">Jobe</span> got to the casino before everyone else and lost around a grand in 15 minutes due to that fail-proof strategy. </div><div>2. Someone will ask if everyone wants to hang out at the pool. Everyone will look at him as if he suggested we lick each other's balls. I've spent about 14 days in Vegas and have never even seen a pool. Not even a sign for a pool. I don't know where they are. I only know where they aren't. </div><div>3. Someone will say, "I don't know, I just think I really connected with that stripper... She's goes to UNLV. She's just stripping for the money." As opposed to the strippers who do it for the love of the game. </div><div>4. Someone will do way to much research on buffets. He'll know what each buffet features and when they bring out the fresh roast beef. Everyone will be incredibly thankful when his research pays off.</div><div>5. Jon <span class="blsp-spelling-error" id="SPELLING_ERROR_15">Mumma</span> will show people his balls.</div></div><div style="clear:both; padding-bottom:0.25em"></div> </div> </div> <p class="post-footer"> <em>posted by ryanconnercomedy at <a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/09/10-guarantees.html" title="permanent link">2:22 PM</a></em> <span class="item-action"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/email-post.g?blogID=14800626&postID=2877030188984794626" title="Email Post"><img class="icon-action" alt="" src="http://www.blogger.com:80/img/icon18_email.gif" height="13" width="18"/></a></span><span class="item-control blog-admin pid-1401212062"><a style="border:none;" href="http://www.blogger.com/post-edit.g?blogID=14800626&postID=2877030188984794626" title="Edit Post"><img class="icon-action" alt="" src="http://www.blogger.com:80/img/icon18_edit_allbkg.gif" height="18" width="18"></a></span> </p> </div> <!-- End .post --> <!-- Begin #comments --> <div id="comments"> <a name="comments"></a> <h4>0 Comments:</h4> <dl id="comments-block"> </dl> <p class="comment-timestamp"> <a class="comment-link" href="https://www.blogger.com/comment.g?blogID=14800626&postID=2877030188984794626">Post a Comment</a> </p> <p class="comment-timestamp"> <a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/blogger.html"><< Home</a> </p> </div> <!-- End #comments --> <script type="text/javascript" src="http://www.blogger.com/static/v1/common/js/1499043574-csitaillib.js"></script> <script>if (typeof(window.attachCsiOnload) != 'undefined' && window.attachCsiOnload != null) { window.attachCsiOnload('ext_blogspot'); }</script> </div></div> <!-- End #main --> <!-- Begin #sidebar --> <div id="sidebar"><div id="sidebar2"> <!-- Begin #profile-container --> <div id="profile-container"><h2 class="sidebar-title">About Me</h2> <dl class="profile-datablock"> <dd class="profile-data"><strong>Name:</strong> Ryan Conner </dd> <dd class="profile-data"><strong>Location:</strong> New York, NY, United States </dd></dl> <p class="profile-textblock">I am a stand-up comedian. My website is www.ryanconnercomedy.com</p> <p class="profile-link"><a href="http://www.blogger.com/profile/12434057934993330563">View my complete profile</a></p></div> <!-- End #profile --> <h2 class="sidebar-title">Previous Posts</h2> <ul id="recently"> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/09/come-on-jersey-city-tell-me-that-before.html">Come on Jersey City. Tell me that before I move in...</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/09/hey-ryan-what-are-you-doing.html">Hey Ryan, what are you doing?</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/09/jokey-jokes.html">Jokey Jokes</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/check-me-out-at-barnes-and-noble.html">Check Me Out At Barnes and Noble</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/new-guideline.html">New Guideline</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/big-fan.html">Big Fan</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/ignorance-so-thick-you-can-taste-it-get.html">Ignorance So Thick You Can Taste It - (Get ready f...</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/jack-johnson-rape-threat.html">Jack Johnson Rape Threat</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/four-updates.html">Four Updates</a></li> <li><a href="http://www.ryanconnercomedy.com/2009/08/yuppers.html">Yuppers</a></li> </ul> <p id="powered-by"><a href="http://www.blogger.com"><img src="http://buttons.blogger.com/bloggerbutton1.gif" alt="Powered by Blogger" /></a></p> <!-- <p>This is a paragraph of text that could go in the sidebar.</p> --> </div></div> <!-- End #sidebar --> </div> <!-- End #content --> <!-- Begin #footer --> <div id="footer"><hr /> <p><!--This is an optional footer. 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